Jesus Heals the Blind Man (sort of)

As it was spread upon the cracker, from the Gospel of Billy-Bob:

Chapter 1

1 And, lo I say unto you, think about this for a while.

2 They came to Bethsada, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus H. to touch him.  He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village.  3 When he put his hands on him, Jesus H. asked, “Do you see anything?” and Jesus H. looked to the gathered people and reminded them “Unlike what Mark over there will write, I don’t spit on people.  Why man?  Why would you say that about me?”  

4 Mark shrugged.

5 The blind man looked up and answered, “I see people, who look like elephants walking around.”

6 Once more Jesus H. put his hand on the man’s eyes and said, “I may heal thee, if you can show me one of the following:”

• “A certified U.S. birth certificate”
• “A valid U.S. Passport”
• “Certificate of Naturalization”

7 “And one of the following:”

• “A Social Security Card”
• “A W-2 Form”
• “A Paystub with full SSN Number”

8 “And one of the following:”

• “A utility bill in your name, not older than three months”
• “A bank statement in your name, not older than three months”
• “An employee verification”

9 He said unto the blind man, "also please provide your insurance card to my disciple so that he may verify your coverage with your insurance company, determine your co-pay amount and determine if your plan provides coverage for blindness healing.”

10 The disciple then said unto the blind man, “Please sitteth on the yon rock.  We will be back with you soon.  Stone tablets are available for your reading pleasure.”

11 Jesus H. turned to the gathered crowd and others waiting on rocks and said “I tell you the truth, it is not through faith one is healed but through citizenship and valid insurance (or a boat load of cash).  I say unto you, heal them not if they have not both (or the boat load of cash).  If they have not both (or the cash), they are blessed for they can look forward to seeing my father sooner.”

12 And, lo be reminded, use not the stone tablets in the waiting stone area, they may be covered in demons from other sick people.