The Book of Harvey
Chapter 1

6 Existing Matthew 5:27:  [27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.]

7 The rest of the story as Jesus H. spoketh:  8 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  9 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  10 Therefore, if she’s a looker go ahead and know her in the biblical way.  You can then ask for forgiveness afterwards.  11 Make a big public act of asking the father for forgiveness while reminding all of your strong family values.  Your constituents will forgive you in the next election and your family will come around too, at least in public.”

Love thy neighbor, unless...

The Book of Harvey

Chapter 1

1 This is the testament of Harvey the teller of the rest of the story.

2 I Harvey say unto my friends the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John contain most of the gospel of Jesus H. but due to translation errors and publisher edits some parts of their gospels have been lost.  In this testament I will correct, redact and complete the omissions and errors in the first four gospels.

2 Existing Mark 12:31:  [The second is this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.]  3 The rest of the story as Jesus H. actually spoketh:  "The second is this, Thou shalt love they neighbor as thyself unless thou neighbor be homosexual, atheist, transgender, has different skin color, is a foreigner, one who belongs to a religion you oppose, speaks no English or speaks English as a second language, or one who is pro choice.  4 If your neighbor be any of these, hate them and deny them equal rights under the law.  5 Do not lend them a cup of sugar and refuse to provide them service at your business or job.  There is none other commandment greater than these.”

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Context:

Link:  Is it time for the United Methodist Church to split over gay marrage?

And so may more...

He wept and passed the tissues...

Book of Big Daddy of the Deep Pockets
Chapter 2

1 After a particularly bad shot, Jesus H. found Big Daddy in tears on the 4th tee. "Your shot was not that bad.  Why dost thou weep Bid Daddy?" Jesus H. asked.

2 Big Daddy replied in sobs, "Oh Jesus H. , its not the shot.  I can't stop thinking about how the government takes from me and the Collectivist steal from me.  The game is rigged and its not in my favor.  3 I have so little.  I have so little influence.  I'm only part of the 1%.  I want to be part of the 0.1%.  I want that third private jet, but I don't think it is going to happen if they close all of my tax loop holes and tax my offshore holdings."

4 Jesus H. wept... along with Big Daddy and passed the tissues, saying "the people know not how they hurt the billionaires. I hear the lamentations of the shareholders.  5 But I am here to comfort you while we fly to the Caymans."

6 Jesus consoled him by saying, "shed no more tears for the news it good - now in elections money equals speech and the contribution limits have been vastly opened up.  7 Furthermore, as the majority of justices spaketh, money is not a corrupting influence in politics.  Money is only corrupting if it leads to prosecutable bribery and provable quid pro quo.  Praise be to the Chief Justice and his wisdom."

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Context:

Billionaires Crybaby Club Someone Get These Whiners a Tissue

Koch Original WSJ Op Ed

Dinner with Big Daddy

Book of Big Daddy of the Deep Pockets

Chapter 1

1 It came to pass that Jesus H. was invited to speak at a dinner in the house of Big Daddy where servants served red and white wine along with all manner of lavish foods.  He left his disciple behind saying “only those donating $50,000 a plate to Big Daddy’s politician friend may dine at Big Daddy’s tonight.  2 Eat some bread and drink that 2 buck chuck and remember me.”

3 As dessert was being served Big Daddy asked, “you there, Jesus H., which political party should I contribute my hard earned money to.”

4 Jesus H. replied, “consider the fisherman, is it not better the drop lines on either side of the boat in order to find the fish that are biting no matter which side of the boat they are biting on.”

5 Big Daddy thought on this for a bit and then said, “but Jesus H., one party is more favorable to the rich, should I not cast my lot with them.”

6 Jesus H. replied “consider the sheep herder.  When it comes time to shear the flock, does the herder choose sheep from only one side of the coral?  No I say.  7 The herder chooses sheep from both sides of the corral to fleece.  In this way his reward is twofold.”

8 “But Jesus H.” Big Daddy said “there are campaign contribution limit laws.  I need to wisely pick the politicians I back.”

9 Taking a sip of the excellent dessert wine Jesus H. turned to the gathered guests and said “oh ye of little faith and vision,  10 stacketh the supreme court with justices who will overturn campaign finance law.  Bring cases before the court so that the justices can nullify decades of campaign law and precedents.  I say unto you, 11 money is free speech.  12 Forget not as the prophet Romney spake 'Corporations are people, my friend.'”

13 After requesting a wine refill, Jesus H. reminded those gathered “contributions to religious charities are tax deductible.  14 Forgeteth me not in your giving.”

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Context:

Talking Points Memo - Supreme Court Deals Another Blow To Campaign Finance Limits

Jesus Heals the Blind Man (sort of)

As it was spread upon the cracker, from the Gospel of Billy-Bob:

Chapter 1

1 And, lo I say unto you, think about this for a while.

2 They came to Bethsada, and some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus H. to touch him.  He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village.  3 When he put his hands on him, Jesus H. asked, “Do you see anything?” and Jesus H. looked to the gathered people and reminded them “Unlike what Mark over there will write, I don’t spit on people.  Why man?  Why would you say that about me?”  

4 Mark shrugged.

5 The blind man looked up and answered, “I see people, who look like elephants walking around.”

6 Once more Jesus H. put his hand on the man’s eyes and said, “I may heal thee, if you can show me one of the following:”

• “A certified U.S. birth certificate”
• “A valid U.S. Passport”
• “Certificate of Naturalization”

7 “And one of the following:”

• “A Social Security Card”
• “A W-2 Form”
• “A Paystub with full SSN Number”

8 “And one of the following:”

• “A utility bill in your name, not older than three months”
• “A bank statement in your name, not older than three months”
• “An employee verification”

9 He said unto the blind man, "also please provide your insurance card to my disciple so that he may verify your coverage with your insurance company, determine your co-pay amount and determine if your plan provides coverage for blindness healing.”

10 The disciple then said unto the blind man, “Please sitteth on the yon rock.  We will be back with you soon.  Stone tablets are available for your reading pleasure.”

11 Jesus H. turned to the gathered crowd and others waiting on rocks and said “I tell you the truth, it is not through faith one is healed but through citizenship and valid insurance (or a boat load of cash).  I say unto you, heal them not if they have not both (or the boat load of cash).  If they have not both (or the cash), they are blessed for they can look forward to seeing my father sooner.”

12 And, lo be reminded, use not the stone tablets in the waiting stone area, they may be covered in demons from other sick people.

Book of Bobbi-Jo - Jesus fed the 5,000

Chapter 3
1 As Jesus H. said when he fed the 5,000 - "Drug test them all first. If there be wine abusers or drug addicts, let them starve."








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Context (From Facebook):

History of the "Holy Crap on a Cracker! Bible"

In the beginning were the CDs.

During a 48 hour Myst marathon in 1993, it came to me in a Red Bull and Cheetos induced vision that parts of the “Holy Crap on a Cracker! Bible” were hidden on each of the CDs I received regularly in the mail from AOL. 

Over the course of several years in the mid to late ‘90s the bible was fully revealed to me. I discovered hidden code written on the AOL CDs delivered by the US Postal Service. The code was written in trinary and I was able to decompile the code on an old Epson computer that had been struck by lightning. After decompiling the entire "Holy Crap on a Cracker! Bible", I was able to read and commit the entire bible to my subconscious memory for later retrieval.

The HCC!Bible is yet another Testement of Iesus H. Christos (aka Jesus H.).  The HCC!Bible is a record of god's dealing with the inhabitants of modern America.  This holey text provides the context for many of the views held in America today.  It provides the foundation for understanding where the hypocritical BS so prevalent in America today comes from.  Seldom shared outside of specific religious and political circles, the HCC!Bible provides insight and understanding of the religious, social and political climate we find ourselves in.   

After committing the entire "Holy Crap on a Cracker! Bible" to my subconscious memory, the faithful Epson computer was struck by lightning again on December 31, 1999. The disk drive, memory and all circuit boards were damaged beyond repair and retrieval. After the third recovery attempt it ascended into the attic. 

Where are the original sacred CDs today?  Sometime in the early 2000’s after taking advice from one of those decluttering articles in a home magazine, I disposed of any boxes I had not opened in my last two moves. To my horror I have discovered that I disposed of the original AOL CDs containing the holey trinary code. (Never trust decluttering articles in home magazines. They are written by the devil.) 

Thankfully the entire “Holy Crap on a Cracker! Bible” is committed to my subconscious memory. I can retrieve versus verbatim using one of the following techniques: 

(1) staring at the snow pattern on an old tube tv. 

(2) watching Fox news. 

(3) when I see Facebook posts that are from zealots, bigots, hypocrites, intolerant and misogynist.

Here I will share those recovered versus.

I encourage others to share recovered versus from the Holy Crap on Cracker Bible.

I will share an email address to post your recovered verses for review (when I get around to it).  I got around to it - share at holycrapbible@gmail.com

May your crackers never be stale.

(And, one must always give credit to the Priestess Penny of the Big Bang Theory.  Hail Sheldon.  May your bazingas be plentiful.)